Review 23-01 TNT Jackson (1974)

 

 

Director:	Cirio H. Santiago
Writers:	Dick Miller and Ken Metcalfe
Cast:
Jeannie Bell	Diana ‘T.N.T.’ Jackson
Stan Shaw	Charlie
Pat Anderson	Elaine
Ken Metcalfe	Sid

 

 

Synopsis:

Learning of her brother’s demise at the hands of a ruthless drug lord in Hong Kong, the beautiful lethal karate expert Diana T.N.T Jackson joins the drug underworld turning it upside down while taking vengeance on the killer of her brother, Brother!

Review:

This is another one of those special movies from a collection of mostly bad and forgotten tittles. And like so many of the others I wasn’t expecting too much from this one, but then I’ve never seen this sort of martial arts performed at this level before. It is both a spectacle and a mystery to behold as you watch the many foes of our heroin devastated by her cries of ‘Ha!’ and her never coming close to touching them. I guess the point here is we know these films are fake. No one believes anyone is actually beating the hell out of 5 or 6 guys; it’s just that you don’t see it done with this level of disregard for the genre. It’s as if the production team said let’s make a Blaxploitation / Kung Fu Film so bad no one will ever make one again, and if you can sit all the way through this one, you just might think that way. The only way to know for sure is to watch it all like me.

Our exciting adventure opens on a mean street in Hong Kong (we only get to see the one street) and then focuses on a theatre. This is the first time we get to meet Charlie, the big time drug dealer. Coincidentally this is also where we get to see Jackson’s brother for the first and last time. So the point of this part of the plot is that her brother was holding out on a brother, so he killed her brother. This unfortunate incident stops mail coming to Diana (T.N.T.) leaving her no choice but to fly to Hong Kong to find out why. Diana gets dropped off on the edge of the mean streets of Manila, oops I meant Hong Kong, and right away in the first alley she enters, we get to see some pimp smacking one of his topless girls in the street until a rival pimp puts him out of business. The rest of the locals aren’t much better and they sure don’t like Americans since all Diana does, is ask if they speak English and they start a big Kung Fu brawl. We get treated to some pretty hokey fighting and some guy with large butterfly knives showing off his skill including the old throw it behind the back and over the shoulder trick that they had to speed up so he didn’t take off any fingers. I don’t think there was much in the budget for props.

 After fending off several waves of attackers, that politely wait their turn for her to beat the crap out of them, Diana makes it to the end of the alley meeting Elaine in her limo. She is the embedded drug enforcement agent planted deep in the local underworld as the squeeze of the big bad white dealer. They don’t seem to get along but that doesn’t stop Elaine from dropping her off at Joe’s Heaven, and this is a convenient place for things to get a bit muddy. We meet Joe, but we never get to see what he’s really all about. In his intro scene we see him supposedly instructing some form of martial arts, but his opponent has a black belt and seems to know what he is doing while Joe has a white belt and winds up on the floor a lot (BJJ?). He seems to be at the centre of the shady part of town, knows all the players, and even more important they seem to know him. I’d hate to just call him an exposition device because he’s central to one of the best scenes in the film.

Joe offers to do some investigating for Diana on the whereabouts or status of her brother. This is where Joe is both awesome and fuzzy at the same time. He shows up at our local cinema from the opening and he looks like Jim Rockford on another case. This part is important: he asks the theatre manager if he knows anything about a missing American black man. The manager thinks real hard trying to remember something that should be at the front of his mind, unless young black American men are murdered on stage on a regular basis. It happened during a live performance in front of a full house which had slipped his mind until a sudden revelation. But, before he can get another word out, they are spotted by some thugs that go to guns immediately.  One of them is in Plaid, and everyone in Hong Kong knows Plaid means a mother is goin’ down. Joe’s not taking their crap and in one of the best choreographed scenes, he kills one of them and takes his gun killing Plaid man. Later on our drug lord has his drug deal hijacked featuring a large gun fight between gangsters with lots of machineguns and lots of gangsters all making this look like real movie. In fact these scenes are done so well, if you accidentally came across them on some late night broadcast, you might consider watching, but we know soon it will go back to shouting “Ha!”

I don’t want to reveal too much of the plot, mostly because it was hard enough for me to figure out so why shouldn’t you. And, I’m not saying that this film is clever, instead I can honestly say I can’t remember the last time I had to keep backing up to see what I missed. It’s not complex, it’s dull. Over and over I had to back up because I had been busy looking at stuff on the floor, or just plain forgetting it’s on. However there are some scenes that will get your attention other than Joe’s shoot out. Diana gets into real bare-boobs fight in her room. There is a very unimpressive stripper at Joe’s club which adds nothing to the story other than making Diana and Elaine look very good except when they fight; it’s fugly and slow motion didn’t help. There were only two technical aspects to this film. For some reason they put a lot of effort and thought into gun play. I don’t think the same can be said for the martial arts part which was a lot more of the movie and never looked real. The one part of this movie that does look real is boobies and they come out a lot. One thing I’m certain of is you won’t like the ending. It’s sudden and abrupt, but hey, at least you don’t have to keep watching.

 

Lessons Learned:

 

·       It’s not just a style choice, everyone knows the way to beat that Tropic Asian heat is full leather Brother!

·       You know, add a small length of chain and a second suitcase she might have something.

·       It’s real hard to keep your Kata while watching things bounce.

·       If ‘Panties’ are noted as a continuity error on your IMDB page, it’s an automatic move to the watch list.

·       The strippers in Hong Kong are not what we were led to believe.

·       Drug lords expect you to pay in cash, who knew?

·       It is not a spray on tan.

 

 

 

Review 2020-01 NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

 

   

Director:

 Thom Eberhardt

Writer:

 Thom Eberhardt

Cast overview, first billed only:
	Robert Beltran	...	Hector Gomez
	Catherine Mary Stewart	...	Regina Belmont
	Kelli Maroney	...	Samantha Belmont
	Geoffrey Lewis	...	Dr. Carter

Synopsis:

            As the world gathers to watch the spectacle of a new unknown comet passing close to the Earth, few suspect its cosmic radiation will reduce the lucky ones to piles of dust, while the unlucky ones turn to zombies leaving two Valley Girls to save the world.

Review:

            The 80’s were strange and not just because of the overlap from the disco era. It’s good to remember we always learn something from the eras we want to forget. At least disco should be remembered by everyone, especially men. It was a short period of time when men strived to dress well when out for the night. I know, some knob always takes it too far and shows up in a denim jump suit, but I like to think that person was raised wrong, it’s not their fault. So how does this tie into today’s film? Simple, this is the story of two young ladies entering womanhood and considering their choice of weapons, they were raised right!

            Regina and Samantha are a couple of young free spirited sisters with a cranky mean step mother trying to kill their buzz. It’s the eve of a big comet event as it comes close to the earth for the first time in thousands of years. The comet becomes a disaster bringing some sort of strange radiation that turns everyone to dust except those protected from the elements by steel. So if you spent the night in a steel garden shed or in a film vault, you would be fine. Even being deep underground was no help for the scientists living in the desert to study it all. They learned some hard lessons about cosmic radiation, dust, and their poorly designed ventilation system.

So Regina stays out for the night where she works at the local bijou and spends it in the film vault surviving the comet. Earlier in the evening Samantha has a run in with Delores (step mom), gets punched out, so she hides from the celebration in a metal garden shed hoping Delores will think she ran away.  After a brief battle with a comet zombie, Regina returns home to find Sam clued out to what’s happened and she learns the terrible truth.

            Sam discovers radio broadcasting going on and they set out to discover the source in the hopes they are not the only ones. Of course the radio station is automated and the only thing behind the microphone is a pile of red dust. It takes a few minutes, but as soon as the girls realize they are alone, Hector, the easy going happy Hispanic truck driver shows up. Still riding high on her surge of puberty hormones, Sam is the first to recognize the significance of Hector’s gender. If it is the end, it would be a lot more fun having a guy along for the ride. In typical fashion, Regina and Hector don’t seem compatible which is the standard in pair bonding; they are destined to live out the apocalypse together. At least he doesn’t look like a truck driver from an Eastwood or Krisstofferson movie.

            Eventually they have to split up. Hector has to check on his Mom, so while he is away the girls do what they do second best; first they get guns then they head to the mall. It’s a nice bouncy fun montage as we watch the girls wanting to just have fun with the appropriate soundtrack for them to bounce to. Unknown to them, there are a few zombie guys that partially survived in the loading dock. They don’t know they have no future, but the girls are saved by the desert scientists coming to their rescue. They are declared to be as good as dead, and the woman scientist pretends to kill Sam with an injection – it’s OK she will wake up later for the rescue.

            Enter good old evil Geoffrey Lewis, often seen next to Clint Eastwood, as the leader of the desert dwelling scientists.

Lewis is Doctor Carter and he has plans for Regina and a couple of other little kids, as in plans to remove their blood on a regular basis. They want to put them in a coma and then use their blood to fix and replace their own dying life juice. The future is bleak for the world and even more so once Hector and Sam meet back up with a plan to get Regina and the kids out of there. They have to take out the scientists to make it happen, but they were doomed from the start. Leaving just a burning crater in the desert, the girls, Hector, and the kids get ready to start their new life together leaving Sam feeling like a fifth wheel until a fast talking and driving young man comes through town. Let the repopulation of the Earth begin, valley girl style.

Lessons Learned:

• There is no prescribed form of dress code for facing the comet apocalypse, but cheer leader outfit seems fairly acceptable.
• If you stay far enough from the zombies, there’s a good chance you can take them out later with a dust-buster.
• Scientists living underground in the desert are just like the regular ones but don’t see so good in the day and look like perverts.
• You don’t have to like shopping to have fun at the mall.

Review 2019-05 Missile To The Moon (1958)

IMDB: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0053072/?ref_=nv_sr_2

Director:

 Richard E. Cunha (as Richard Cunha)

Writers:

 H.E. Barrie (screenplay), Vincent Fotre (screenplay)

Stars:

 Richard Travis, Cathy Downs, K.T. Stevens 

Synopsis:

A former resident of the moon builds his own rocket with some government funding, but when two fugitives from justice stumble into his project he recruits them as his crew for a very strange homecoming.

Review:

The fifties must have been an incredible era and you need only look at the pop culture of the time to see the evidence. This has to be the fifth or sixth film from that era that puts forth the notion of space exploration as a private venture (see Nude on the Moon). When you watch these pictures there is never a hint of the obstructions and setbacks needed to overcome and reach space. It’s as if our entire culture walked around thinking they could do just about anything, unlike now where everything is our fault. The continual theme was that all you need is good old American ingenuity and know how. Anyone with enough gumption can take a few old water heaters and tinker a moon rocket in the back yard. It wasn’t until The Right Stuff, that we learned what was really involved. Why let reality stand in the way of fun; let’s go to the moon.

Our story starts with a daring prison break by a couple of juvenile delinquents in their early thirties. Lon and Garry, I don’t know which is which, are on the run from the law. If you ever do watch this, and you are not too young, you’ll understand why I call them Lenny and Squiggy. Lenny seems to have the brains and suggests they hide at the local semi-government proving grounds and since it’s sort of private, they think they’ll be safe. Eventually they’re discovered by Dirk, the owner of the rocket. Instead of reporting them he locks them in so he can force them to become his crew. From making license plates to astronaut is a major career move even if it isn’t by choice. Of the criminals Lenny is the brains and Squiggy is the tag-a-long little weasel that bitches about almost everything. He is the plot device that you know is there to cause trouble until he dies in some sort of gruesome way which was a result of his greed or stupidity, and it can always be both.

With the convicts reluctantly agreeing to become Dirk’s crew, he begins training them for the mission and it’s a very short course. He even has uniforms for them. As they start all of the pre-flight checks, their activities register on equipment in the house making Steve and his girl June want to investigate. And as you guessed, they wind up going along for the ride. Of course later Dirk discovers they have come along and it’s a bit of a surprise for him, but Dirk has uniforms for them as well. That Dirk can do anything, build his own rocket, design and sew uniforms for people he’s never met. He is the epitome of American ingenuity and industry. It turns out the only thing he can’t do, is make a decent tie down strap for a big ass battery up on a high shelf. It is his undoing when the big battery breaks lose in a meteor storm and kills him when he heroically runs over to get under it. It’s a tough blow to the team, however in what seems like only a few minutes they land and everyone is happy, excited to explore, and of course now Dirk’less. He was a bit pushy.

Just after the death of Dirk, Steve spends a few minutes of contemplation with Squiggy about some of the strange things involving Dirk like how he knew about all the things that would happen on their trip. Then there was the small gift of jewelry as Dirk gave Steve a necklace. I was waiting for Steve to give Dirk a pretty pair of cufflinks or a team loincloth. All of this of course, is foreshadowing so we can get used to the idea that there may be more to Dirk including he may know more about the moon than anyone should.

The landing is very unspectacular consisting of a reverse of the launch set to a lunar backdrop, or Arizona if you prefer. When it comes time to explore, they don equally unimpressive space suits consisting of coveralls, basic crash helmets, and some metal tanks on their backs. Even when this was made, all of this would still seem unimpressive, but the film asks the viewer to momentarily suspend disbelief. Once you see what’s coming, the absurdity will make the suits, the pseudoscience, and ridiculous plot points pale in comparison. The secret is knowing that none of it matters except the giant spider.

So out on the surface they are having a great time wandering around the desolate nothing of the lunar surface. It doesn’t take them long to get into trouble when the moon rock men/creatures take an interest in them. There are two reasons this happens. The first is to inject some action in the story and secondly, so Steve and Lenny can show what the guns are for. Who wouldn’t go to the moon with a Colt .45 and a Luger. Does anyone really think that NASA had rifle holsters on the space shuttle like an old west stage coach. And the rock men! What if the rock guys were like the moon version of island girls at the airport in Maui bringing leis to the tourists. We will never know. Also as a bit of a rant, what the hell do rock people want with humans. That would make for a hell of a Nat Geo special or better yet, 9 or 10 hours of a rock on camera as David Attenborough goes into great detail on the exceptional sedentary life of the Rock People. Subscribe now!

Once in the cave they run into a new type of trouble when they are gassed and then later wake up in the moon people palace or club house. It is a matriarchal society headed by a blind woman called the Lido. This should be where the show gets interesting, but the laws of physics aren’t the only rules being broken here. This is the spot where we get to learn the back story of the moon people, Dirk and his group, or what his mission had been. We don’t learn much and it plays out like a bad TV game show – Who’s dumber, those that live on the moon or those that visit? Or we could try and see who is smarter than a giant cave spider.

So, just as we were about to learn they had been written into a corner the producers were lucky enough for June to blow the team’s cover. Now that means they have to escape even though they were never really captured or they were never blamed for anything. All of this sets off a series of unlikely events such as discovering treasure, a coup by murder, and a ridiculous execution scene. Well I think it was an execution. The moon chicks take June to the cave and tie her up to an alter before opening the gate to the spider den. Seriously, if you had just tuned in, it looked like the marriage ceremony from King Kong. When you consider the number of moon girls trying to wed Steve/Dirk, getting the Spider hitched wouldn’t be that far off. In the end one of the nicer moon girls takes their version of a grenade and blows out the big picture window and subsequently venting their atmosphere. The remains of our group get their gear back and break for their ship. Gary is obsessed by his greed and dies as he defends his bags of rough diamonds from the rock creatures. Everything should be fine now provided no one makes a sequel.

Lessons Learned:

·       The space program should be merged with the justice system.

·       Moon chicks are not as nice as they first seem.

·       Rock men/creatures want you. They don’t know why, they just do.

·       Women on other worlds always dress like unemployed figure skaters and gymnasts.

·       The first sign you are not that smart – you live on the moon!

·       You can lead a giant spider to them, but only the spider can make them a bride.

Review 2019-04 War Between The Planets (1966)

War Between The Planets on IMDB.com

Director:

 Antonio Margheriti (as Anthony Dawson)

Writers:

 Ivan Reiner (story), Renato Moretti (story) (as Ralph Moody) | 2 more credits »

Stars:

 Giacomo Rossi Stuart, Ombretta Colli, Enzo Fiermonte |See full cast & crew 

Synopsis:

Natural disasters on Earth connected to equally disturbing activities on Space Station Gamma One lead scientists to believe it is something in space causing the problems and dispatches their best to deal with it.

Review:

Spaghetti Westerns were a big hit, because they were gritty, dirty, and as flawed as the characters in them. They made the expansion into the west look like dirty and hard business which is what it was like. So what would they bring to space travel and our future? In this case they made a great pizza but either forgot the cheese, or something gave us more than you can digest. To simplify all of it, you could say that this is like some very poorly executed parody of something a lot better, but I don’t think they ever knew that. Take it from me, you have been warned.

This was a hard one to watch, but not because of the usual stuff. This was so boring that I found myself wishing someone would be killed by some big incredibly fake looking rubber monster. What do we get? A space suit synchronized swimming production from a 50’s musical. I wouldn’t be shocked if they set up another scene featuring the cast on roller skates. The worst part of the space swim scene was the absurdity of the science, or rather lack thereof, because our poor intrepid space pioneers were knocked off the space station by a Space Wind. That’s right; I said a wind in space which is impossible, and a point made by everyone on screen.

The premise of this mess disguised as a Sci-Fi extravaganza is some crap going on out in space causing a bunch of natural disasters on the Earth, like earthquakes and floods, the usual act of God type stuff. The big General of the Space Command sends our big hero Commander Jackson, the boss of Gamma One, their biggest and best space station, to find the problem and fix it or blow it up. From a production and plot perspective the latter is easiest and good for the SFX Department. We sure know they didn’t blow the budget on the city or space port scenes. I’m pretty sure they just used models and parts from The Wild Wild Planet.

They don’t have a real reason for it, but the General in charge is convinced the problems on Earth are being caused by something in space. Despite a total lack of evidence it turns out the General is right. Commander Jackson and his team are out checking on an outpost and find it is no longer where it is supposed to be. In its place they find a very large red asteroid or rogue planet emitting strange plumes of green gas like it’s the rectum of our solar system (sorry L.A.). We never find out what is ‘behind’ the attack on Earth, and we don’t even get to see how this space ass is related to any of the stuff happening on the Earth. They make the occasional vague reference as to what might be controlling it, but we get nothing else. I’m sure that any more information would constitute a complicated re-write, and this plot is fragile enough with plot holes you could fly an Imperial Star Cruiser through; whatever the hell that is?

The Commander and his team realize they have to destroy or blow up this rogue planet which creates an opportunity for them to jump out and go down to the surface. It looks like a volcanic surface with vents that look a lot like cystic acne with noodles sticking out of them. You can just imagine what the marketing must have been for this one and I’m sure at some point they expected the wonder it will inspire as in I wonder why I paid to watch this stuff. But if you are old enough to remember a time without VCRs, then you also will remember a time when you would watch this sort of junk as a welcome relief to more adult leaning material. If you’re a millennial, I don’t know how you’d make it thought this one with eventually shifting to your phone where you can look up all sorts of interesting stuff like what the weather is anywhere but here, or look up some stock quotes. It doesn’t have to be great to be better than this to take your mind off it.

As per usual in these sorts of films we get to the point where the big hero gets to be the hero. This one is a bit different though. Commander Jackson never really does anything. That is except for synchro space swimming where there are 3 guys floating around to their death, and he managers to same two of them. I don’t think he gave much thought to the one that got away. That is sort of the theme here. Be a hero but not a really good one. Just good enough is our lesson from the future. Normally these stories are supposed to make us excited for a bright future, but we might want to give this one a pass.

Lessons Learned:

·       Most natural disasters are caused by space stuff.

·       Space heroes got girl troubles lust like everyone else.

·       The space wind is real, and it is not from Mr. Spock farting.

·       Space lava or gelatin? – They are both deadly.

·        You can save water in your space shower by showering with a friend, preferably a command officer.